the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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