He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
