If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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