i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
