Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
birth control should be required to get into college
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
