I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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