Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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