I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
