My Higher Power is John Stamos
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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