this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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