my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
