How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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