Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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