my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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