i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
