so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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