Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
