whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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