I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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