awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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