My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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