I just saw a hot homeless man
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
