Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
