I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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