THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
