Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
