THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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