Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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