That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
