Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
