I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
