Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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