Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
