Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
home. puking in laundry basket.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
