Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
