chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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