she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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