Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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