i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
