He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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