I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
