DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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