Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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