For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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