you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
