I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
