sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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