You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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