I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
