Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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