i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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