so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
