I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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