Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
4 words: hood of his car
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
