what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Randomize
