but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
